I was speaking with a friend the other day and the conversation turned to confidence. She said to me…
“I would love to have your confidence. To be able to put yourself out on the internet is so brave.”
I was stunned. I stared at her for a moment.
“You think that I’m confident?!”
After this chat I got thinking about confidence and my experience of the concept. I also pondered what everyone else thinks when they come to this site (a thought I usually avoid for my own mental health). I concluded that I probably do come across as a confident girl. To some, it must seem as though I have rock-solid, infallible self-esteem – prancing around in front of a camera and then uploading it for the whole world to see.
But the truth is quite the opposite. I have struggled with self-confidence issues my entire life. But it is those confidence issues that have lead me to where I am today. They caused me to start questioning my self-concept and why it was so heavily based on someone else’s opinion.
And this questioning alone is the key to cultivating bravery.
All of a sudden, things are still scary, but not unthinkable. When we make the decision that no matter what anybody thinks of us, no matter who decides to put us down, we will always be there for ourselves – we will always stand by ourselves – then confidence creeps in, almost unnoticed.
I made a vow to myself when I started this blog, that whatever was said about me I would always remember who I am and I would always be my own best friend. When you make this vow to yourself, nobody’s opinion has power over you anymore. I’m now free to pose my little heart out on the side of a busy street. I get to fulfill some unmet desire to be a fashion model, but without the eating disorder or the coke habit that I would have definitely been susceptible to. I get to do it my way.
However, I thought you should know that it does not always come easy. When I first started this blog, I would feel as though I was having a panic attack after I hit publish. I, like anyone, was fighting the demon in my head that says you will be judged and that will hurt you.
But, when I cast the fear aside, writing thoughts, obsessing about pretty clothes and taking photos gives me joy. And I made another vow to myself earlier in my life…that no matter how scary, I would always do the things that give me joy. That is what we are all here for.
Dress – Bluejuice Sandals – Lipstick from Andrea Biani
Much love XX
Photographer: Addeana Husaini